Who are you being with yourself? Do you provide safety and security within? - James Wightman

TUCP Intro/Outro: 00:00:08

Welcome to The Ultimate Coach podcast conversations from being inspired by the book, The Ultimate coach, written by Amy Hardison, and Alan Thompson. Join us each week with the intention of expanding your state of being. And your experience will be remarkable. Remember, this is a podcast about be. It is a podcast about you. To explore more deeply visit the ultimate Coach book.com. Now, enjoy today's conversation from being.

Cordelia Gaffar: 00:00:48

Welcome to The Ultimate Coach podcast. James. I'm so excited to speak with you today. And, you know, I'm just curious, before we really get into how were you introduced to the ultimate coach book? What made you interested in wanting to be a guest on the podcast?

James Wightman: 00:01:11

Ooh, I love that question. And thank you for such a warm welcome. I'd say for me, it's really an element of, you know, having become familiar with Steve's work. And just so many amazing people that I see sharing the work. What really interested me is I feel like even though you know, from what I see, Steve has his context of being I feel like we all go through our own journey of what being means to us individually. That I thought one, it's totally fun to talk about, because you hear things that you never expected. And to I feel like that is the to me, I've always been a person that learns from hearing others and their journey and their stories. And it's like these puzzle pieces that come together. And so I figured I'm one probably going to have some puzzle pieces that come together for me even being here. And two, I want to help others. So I guess I did one, two, and then one, two again. So maybe that's four.

Cordelia Gaffar: 00:02:19

It sounds like it. Yeah, we're doing our math correctly. So that's great. Thank you for answering that question. Because I also understand from you that being in conversation about what being is, is something that lights you up, and is probably constantly in your orbit. And, and just looking at your website, it appears it is part of what you help your clients with as well.

Unknown: 00:02:53

Yeah, absolutely. And I love the way that you share that of it's something that's kind of constantly in orbit. You immediately had me go to a flashback, there was a coach that I worked with years ago, he's he was one of my first large, really larger investments. And I forget I forget what it's called, is it like an acrostic? Or anyway, he, he took my last name, and he just sent me a picture. And you know, my last name is spelled, it's w e i g h t ma n. And I just saw my name, and I didn't get it until I didn't know it was my last name until someone pointed it out to me. But it said, Wherever I go higher thoughts manifest is normal. And I didn't realize that that was spelled with my last name. And so when he said it's just kind of always in my orbit, I just had a flashback to there.

Cordelia Gaffar: 00:03:47

Ah, and that's so important. Yeah. Yep. I believe those are called acronyms. Yeah, I think Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So now I'm curious. When did you come across the work of Steve Hardison, and what led you to read the ultimate coach book?

Unknown: 00:04:12

Yep. So it's a it's been a progressive journey. So originally, where the journey began, I would say, even before I know who Steve Hardison was, when I was getting into really just coaching and being of service to people. I had sign up for all different types of programs, and some of them were marketing and sales and all these all these different things, and they would work for like a short period of time, and it felt I know, something felt very confusing. And then I discovered or I didn't really discover someone basically put in front of me, Steve Chandler, and rich live in with the prosperous coach. Hey, And Steve Chandler was someone that just really resonated with me. And the way that he wrote, it just felt really direct. And so I went through a journey of going through, you know, his material, and he always message. Steve Hardison, and there was a period of time, where, you know, I was going through my own challenges and ups and downs in business and really connecting to, you know, I guess who I am, and, and who I'm being in these in these different moments. And I saw the Steve's book was was coming out. And so it's sort of like these, these nuggets, or the sprinkles had been placed, you know, throughout the years, and it's like, oh, there's this amazing book coming out. And, you know, just the fact to read it. You know, as something to see myself in and to read it as something something for me, was really special. And so that's really what launched me into, you know, reading the book, and really getting a deeper understanding of that journey into I guess, myself, my own being.

Cordelia Gaffar: 00:06:10

Yeah, was there any particular part of the book that really resonated with you? By I have to laugh when I asked that question, because it depends on what, what day it is what mood you're in, you know, like, because even for me, I bounced around a lot, but okay,

Unknown: 00:06:25

yeah, I hear you on that. So I don't necessarily know for res at the time, I don't know if resonated was the word. But it was actually probably more frustrated and angry. And because I think you know, what, it really illuminated, and I'll get to the specific moment in the book, but what I discovered was, when I would read books, or personal growth, any of these things, essentially what was happening for me, the way that I was being was was, honestly, I maybe it was like a chip on the shoulder or I was just pretty much always comparing myself. And so the personal growth was more like, I don't know, like a personal tantrum, like, I'd see. Someone could say, like, Hey, here's this thing he can do. And what would occur for me is I'm not doing that there might you know, there must be something wrong with me or I'm falling short. And so there was a particular moment, right? In the in the book, where, you know, it's talking about where Steve was, I believe he was in another country. He was on on mission. And he was able to just go up and talk to people and have a conversation, and everything that came up for me, and there was, I'm shy, I have fear, I'm scared. This doesn't feel like something that I could do. And almost like there was something special about Steve, but there wasn't something special about me. He had something that I did. And so it definitely didn't necessarily resonate at the time. I felt Yeah, I just felt frustrated and angry.

Cordelia Gaffar: 00:08:08

That's so great. I love that answer. You know, like, I was waiting to have a guest like you everybody's like, Oh, yeah, it was great. My life changed immediately. I was like, that wasn't really my complete experience, which is why I had a walk with Steve. But that's I digress anyway. So I love that. You answered it that way. Okay, yes, let's get now.

Unknown: 00:08:29

And you know, it really, it really arose something within me actually just like, the frustration and anger. And And honestly, I probably started to have tears because of, you know, part of the work that, you know, over the years that I've incorporated, which is this idea of being part of it has been like, who am I even being with myself, and just a fact that I was having anger and all that it was, you know, the question that I really had had to have for myself as one what's coming up for me here, and to who is it that I could be with myself as I'm just recognizing that I'm going through this? And so I had to put like, a hand on my heart and just be like, you're okay, like, like you're safe and and really just recognized that it was some old part or some old piece of me that in that context, and that idea of just going up and talking to someone and feeling easeful in conversations. It was almost, you know, I come from a background of like hypnosis and NLP. And so there's a thing called parts work. And so this idea that, you know, part of myself that might have been like, the 12 year old part of myself that I was being in relationship to my work or my business or just being with people that honestly was probably that scared, scared self that I Really, it was an opportunity to step into the mature self like that higher level version of myself to see that, you know, what a wonderful opportunity. And that's my relationship with being now, right? Like, what a wonderful opportunity that someone can present a higher higher level idea or way of being that I could say, oh, that, like, that's actually possible. Like, that's something I could even do. I hadn't even thought of that. And so it was like a complete shift of I'm, I'm angry, I'm, I'm scared, I'm fearful. Even the idea of going out there and talking to someone to actually win, it's just who I am, is an amazing gift for others to experience and I get to be with them. So that I feel like it just kind of like gave a whole fire chain overview. But But yeah, that was my experience of that particular moment in that book.

Cordelia Gaffar: 00:10:57

So when he was on mission in London, and he was able to easily connect with people, you, you have this whole inner shift with yourself understanding like, these different parts of you that you know, and then I guess, you you took a moment to close the book and touch your heart and reconnect. Yeah,

Unknown: 00:11:24

so yeah, and I'm not gonna say it was like a, Hey, I was just reading it. And you know, this moment occurred and everything was different. Honestly, it probably that part really,

Unknown: 00:11:36

probably lasted,

Unknown: 00:11:37

honestly, a week to two, because I know that it really stuck. It really had stuck with me. So even when I was trying to continue reading forward, I just part of my mind just kept going back to that point or that moment. So it felt like, as I continue to progress through the book, like these different pieces began to come together, and start to add context or nuances to different things that I that I didn't have before. So I feel like it was a bit of a process for me even just realizing what was occurring for me.

Cordelia Gaffar: 00:12:17

Yeah, so by the time you got to the end of the book, like, how many iterations have you had to work through?

Unknown: 00:12:24

Oh, wow, part of me is like infinite. Like it, right? Like, it just kind of keeps going. Honestly, I feel like there's an element, and I liked the way they broke it into into these different parts, or it's because they're, you know, in the beginning, there's these earlier, earlier moments, or these earlier stages. And it almost felt like for me, it's like, these iterations are like moments from the past that I'm kind of, for lack of a better word, like healing, or having different contexts around. And so I think when we think of like, these iterations, we always think, like, now forward, and I'm like, oh, no, like, I'm healing versions of myself from from even the past and like, like going going through and just kind of being at peace with certain parts of myself. And so, you know, I'm 34 years old, so I'll probably say, you know, 34 parts of me, you know, maybe I'll go with that probably, probably double could be triple.

Cordelia Gaffar: 00:13:29

Wow. Yeah. That's something to think about. Yeah, definitely. With each year, we do well, we have different parts, because we have different experiences I was but so we progress, not necessarily progress, right, because you can be stagnant and have more experiences in the new year. So

Unknown: 00:13:51

yeah. And immediately what you haven't had me thinking of because I think, originally, and I think this is true. But one of the things that really stood out to me I think of when Steve Hardison was working with Steve Chandler and Steve Chandler. You know, I think he had to go to I'm trying to remember, remember it exactly. But basically, there was a role that Steve H wanted Steve Chandler to do. And Steve Chandler was like, oh, no, like, that's not me. I can't do that. And Steve Hardison was like, Well, if you can't do be someone that can, you know? Yeah, yeah. And so I really liked that idea of, you know, even if we're able to emulate a wave being or step into a wave being, I think it's really, really powerful. And I've done that in moments in my life, and I've done that with clients. And I found that sometimes not always, but there's these elements where there can be a part where it's still kind of the old version might kind of be sticking And that's where this element of in that phrase that I wrote down of like, who am I being with myself, because the way that I would be with myself or I would see clients would be that this old version would kind of pop up a little bit, here and there. And the way to handle it was kind of just to like, push it down and try and do something different. And it would work to get things done. But at least speaking from my own experience, there'd be an element where maybe there was just like a piece of my mind where it's like something that something felt incomplete. And so that's where I'd bring the hand to my heart. And I'd say, I love you and like, like, you can let go now. And just doing that felt like a release, to be open to really just embodying that full being of whoever we're stepping into, and sending love back to that old version that was trying to be something different. I thought that they needed to be something instead of just like, consciously choosing.

Cordelia Gaffar: 00:16:04

I'm evolving during this conversation. I'm so happy I'm talking to you today.

Unknown: 00:16:09

Oh, hey, thank you. I mean, this is this is this is lovely. And I love that there's like so many different contexts, you know, it's it. I feel like I'm evolving at the same at the same time. So thank you.

Cordelia Gaffar: 00:16:20

Yeah, thank you. And I, you know, for those who are listening, and, and sharing with other people, you know, this conversation from being, you know, just like, what the book hear yourself here, you know, like, I'm in this conversation with you, but I'm hearing myself in your story, you know, so, the being continues, right?

Unknown: 00:16:48

Yeah, yeah.

Cordelia Gaffar: 00:16:50

Mmm, hmm. I'm wondering you, you keep talking about putting your hand on your heart and saying, I love you, you're safe. Everything's okay. Is this something that that just developed over time? Or is it a practice from, you know, your NLP? Or where's that from?

Unknown: 00:17:12

Yeah, so the way that it developed, my, my partner, Ellie, she very much came from a background of yoga and meditation, and a lot of different embodied experiences. And, for me, I've always kind of been the operations like logistics very much in the head, in some contexts. And so part of my growth in entrepreneurship, was really doing my best to understand how to have practical SIP skills to manage what's coming up. Because I think sometimes when we hear entrepreneurship, or we hear these, these ideas that we want to step into, a lot of times, we can think like, oh, we just do this thing, and then everything else will be good in life. And I really like to think of it in the context of relationships, you know, with our significant other, this idea that we're going to do work, and then everything's just going to be like, easy breezy for the rest of the relationship doesn't work that way. And at the same time, you know, it's okay, if there's disagreements, and so there can be room for almost these uncomfortable feelings. It's not that they're never going to happen to us again, or they're not going to happen in relationship again. But what does change is our relationship with them. And so when we're stepping into new ways of being when we are taking action in, in whatever our business may be, or whatever our life may be, you know, not everyone has a business. And so instead of kind of, like always trying to workshop stuff in our head, because I've always found that in our in our in, at least in my life, and from my experience, I can be very strong to work things out in the brain. And then it reaches a certain point where it turns into overwhelm. And so that becomes an indicator to me that I've sort of like utilize the tangible data and action that I have. And when it starts to become overwhelming, it means that I've reached out to like too many data points, like too many fictional stories and possibilities, that it becomes overwhelming. And so it's an indicator that action is important. And so in order to actually move into action to move into another level, I have to shift the relationship with whatever the feelings are that are coming up because when we take new actions, when we try something different, there's going to be all these all this energy, there's going to be all these feelings. And so part of changing the relationship with that And I teach this to my clients. So you know, I teach it to, you know, whoever I'm working with, because they could come in angry, or I may be angry. And so instead of trying to, like solve the anger, I like to picture it almost like a little kid, right? Like, if a little kid came up to you, you wouldn't be like, hey, just figure this out. You'd be like, hey, you know what, you're okay, you're gonna be safe, everything's gonna be fine. And so as we, you know, have our hand in our heart, or we're speaking to that part of us, that is feeling anger, that is feeling fear, frustration, we're essentially bringing love to that part of us. And really getting to the heart of the matter, matter, which is like feeling just safe. And like that, that we're okay. And anytime I've done that, with people they feel and including myself, they feel a release and a loosening up. Because what we can sometimes think, is that if we say, to just fix something, or that it should be different, that it will get better. And a lot of times, it actually cements the response and the reaction that we don't want. And so when we can bring that love to whatever's happening, and it releases that we become open to new possibilities, we're able to open our vision of what we even see as possible. And it helps us step into another level, because it can, it helps us actually feel like we're on our own team on our own side, instead of feeling like there's a part of us working against ourselves. So that's really how that develop, because I was going through, you know, a few years ago, really challenging time in business. And she, you know, she actually kind of just say, hey, put your hand on your heart. And I did that. And that's where it was like a gateway, and I just kind of had these phrases coming to me that that's, you know, I love you, you can let go now. And so there's all different ways to manage that. So to me, that's like the practical skill of who we're being right, that mature our mature self with that younger version that might be freaking out.

Cordelia Gaffar: 00:22:15

I love the way you explained all that. Because I know, for people who are more logical thinkers, they needed to hear all that. And and I really appreciate you, you know, really going through the depths of your experience in shifting and taking care of yourself in that way, and then integrating that into your work. See, for me, I would have just said, It's about allowing the body's wisdom to take care of me, you know? Because ultimately, that that's what you're saying, you're hugging yourself. Yeah, yeah. And then when you do when you touch yourself, this is the thing, this is a natural result, these declarations come up, right, whatever it is that your mind needs to hear from your body. Right. That's what happens when I touch your heart. Yeah. So that that is an exceptional way of being. And that is truly you make it assessable you know, to everyone in the way that you explain it.

Unknown: 00:23:33

Thank Thank you. I appreciate that reflection. Cuz, you know, I'm like, Wait, did I just do you know, did I go over too many levels there, you know, instead of answering it like straight and direct, so I appreciate the reflection back.

Cordelia Gaffar: 00:23:46

Yeah, yeah, no, absolutely. That was perfect. Because I was like, huh, yeah. And then you went over here. And then you went over there. And I was like, You know what, somebody needs to hear it in this way. You know, probably many people need to hear it in that way. Because you what you make, what my mind immediately goes to is like here, you know, in the West, we're very, we think that our brain is what runs

Cordelia Gaffar: 00:24:17

the show. Right?

Cordelia Gaffar: 00:24:19

Yeah. But I feel like definitely through the past couple of years with COVID and everything. We've learned that there's a different way of being, you know, and so by the time that this particular episode airs, it'll be after the ultimate experience India Edition. And so we'll be having that conversation of being in the east, you see, and where East meets West. With being because basically with Ellie being a yogi, right, she's already in the eastern philosophy. Right, and me, I'm a tantric which is also Eastern. In philosophy, right, but then we live here in the west. So I love that. We're having this conversation. We're recording it before that that particular event. And this is a bridge in the same way, I think it'll be perfect timing when it airs actually is what I'm thinking. So when I say that, what do you think?

Unknown: 00:25:28

One my immediately? Immediately my thought was, I love that. Because I yeah, I think there's, especially with the east and west and this idea, I think there's so many modalities and like so many skill sets. And I think of when I went to an acupuncturist before, you know, he said, Western medicine is great if you break an arm, and you know, they need to heal that and, and Eastern medicine is great, you know, to deal with the energy, and a lot of those things are happening. So I think there's always a balance, and I went to a Zen Center, there's a Zen Center that I visited for a year. And they talk about the the middle way. And I always thought it was this, almost like a collaboration or maybe a little bit of a compromise. But mainly it kept collaboration, right? Like on one side, you have one way of doing things. And the second side, you have another way of doing things. And then you know, maybe you meet in the middle, and my my purse, perception of that actually began to change. You know, that's what I thought when I had first started visiting the Zen Center. And then at the end of that, my perception changed of the Middle Way being two things being able to coexist, and something new that we didn't even know is possible to emerge. And so that east and west and that combination, and something, you know, new kind of that new coming of that, you know, that being I think is actually really powerful. And I'm excited to see, you know, what emerges or what comes from that?

Cordelia Gaffar: 00:27:07

I know, yeah, it's it's already happening. You know, it's happening now. And I love it. I think it's, you know, more so than east and west, I think it's kind of like human beings, welcoming their ancient wisdom, right? Whereas before, we used to reject it, right? And discredit it. And now we're like, No, you know, those humans, they knew what they were doing, and we know what we're doing, too. And so it's more of an era of connecting dots of the best way of being a human being and stop being a human doing, which is what I feel like the Industrial Age got us to, is being human doings, you know?

Unknown: 00:27:58

Absolutely. And I love that tape. Right? And because it because it makes me think of kind of, you know, what I was sharing before, when you were talking about the iterations, right, the past self, you know, with, you know, the present self. And so, like you were sharing, there's things that in the past, there was a lot of wisdom there, and a lot of usefulness. And so it's, you know, taking that what works and combining it with what works today and seeing, you know, how that how that meets, which I think is definitely really special.

Cordelia Gaffar: 00:28:33

Yeah. And, and I think that Western and Eastern medicine work well together to heal bones too.

Unknown: 00:28:41

Yeah. Yeah. You know, I use that as, I guess, an example. That was shared with me, but yeah, I agree. I definitely understand what you need both. Yeah, absolutely.

Cordelia Gaffar: 00:28:54

Yeah. So I'm wondering, on your website, what did it say? It said something about you, it's your frequency and your way of being that creates the outcomes? What does that mean?

Unknown: 00:29:14

You know, so the way that I would describe this is and this can work, even if people aren't in business. Sometimes we think if we just take the action steps that will get the results. And I think that probably, you know, that probably works in schooling. But I think in terms of life and business, there's a difference between, you know, let's say you're having a conversation with someone, and maybe, you know, maybe someone's wanting to create clients. And so they might just think, hey, if I just have conversations, I'm going to talk with someone and then you know, I can you know, maybe I Have them potentially become a client. When someone's coming from that place, they're they're kind of just hoping for a result. And so when I talk about frequency and who you're being, one is, when I work with people, I want to, I want to understand what is their way of actually doing things? What do they enjoy, because there's so much around personal development and personal growth and business. Now, there's a million ways to do things. So one doesn't, doesn't even align with them. And so I like to help them figure out what's their way of doing things, what actually suits their personality, and just their, their, their natural frequency of how they like to operate. And then number two is how can they bring that into the actions that they buy. And so the reason why I brought up the conversations is sometimes in business, especially, I noticed that probably more with men than I do than I do with women. But a lot of times people can have a temperament where they just want to take the action and hope it produces the results. And then there's the actual being in the frequency of it, enjoying the way you do your business enjoying the way that you have conversations with people actually being of service instead of just trying to, instead of just trying to get a sale. And so when I say frequency and being it's it's really that element of art, I guess to you know, like when you said saying things simply pretty much enjoying what they're doing, you know, and because I just meet a lot of people who who try to do things to get the result, instead of actually finding the joy and bringing the joy to what they're doing. And it can make a big difference in their business.

Cordelia Gaffar: 00:31:53

And what I'm hearing there is like service meets an outcome. Right? So it's like, service. Let me back up with that. So like in the in the ultimate coach book, you know, when when he's talking about serving people, it's just like what you said, it's that real true relationship building, right, connecting with another human from that space. And the automatic outcome is when it's meant to be right, it may not happen in that moment. Right? When it's appropriate, right? The person will be like, you know, what, I know, that I can trust James. And, you know, I know that he's actually he cares about my well being. And so if I'm going to invest in coaching, I'm going to invest with James because he will actually serve me, you know, serve my purposes. Right. And, and a lot of people miss that. Right? They're just like, well, you know, going back to in the beginning, when you were talking about using all the marketing strategies, well, you know, I just gotta hit my numbers. Right? And, you know, had this many touches with these types of people, you know, you've got it all down to a science. And, and you're just like, nope, the way to be the most successful is to go back to the beginning, right, in the relationship building, and, and just letting people know that you really care for them. Yeah, absolutely.

Unknown: 00:33:40

And I love the way that you capture that. And the way the, you know, the way that they get to do that is what resonates, you know, for them. So for me, I tend to be I tend to be a big, like gift giver. And so I always like to, you know, send people different trinkets that are, well I say trinkets, but sometimes it could be a book sometimes it could be something that is really meaningful to them. Sometimes it could just be a card with words that I know that they need to hear. Some people aren't you know, you know, primarily gift givers. Some people might be the words of affirmation. And so if they really enjoy writing, you know, great things for people, they could write as some people are very much you know, acts of service, they they may be contributing and you know, so many different ways. And so they really get to tune into of how they enjoy being of service, how they enjoy giving, you know, a designer might help someone with a website or different things like that. And it coming from a place of really feeling like they want to provide it to the other person. Not that not that they're trying to get their business.

Cordelia Gaffar: 00:34:56

Yeah, and if you're already working with someone, I'm Hearing you're also appreciating them through gifts.

Unknown: 00:35:03

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's something that that I like to do. And so, yeah, there's all different things people can do with just Serway being of service and giving? Absolutely, yeah.

Cordelia Gaffar: 00:35:15

Well, um, I feel like we've touched on like, so many Yeah. Being and, and like depths of it and top layers of it. I'm wondering, is there anything else you'd like to put in the space?

Unknown: 00:35:32

I'm just gonna tune in for a moment.

Unknown: 00:35:40

I think what I would like people to know is that whatever they want, is accessible to them, the more they tune into them themselves, and how they operate, to be have to make their highest contribution to the world. And that a contribution can be something really simple. Because in the past, for me, I always thought I needed to contribute in such like a huge way to really make a difference. And that's still doable. However, just the people in your life and in your world, even just the really simple things that might seem easy for you can make a huge difference in somebody else's life. And it doesn't have to end it doesn't have to take up all the time in the world. You know, I'm a quality of time person in the past, I used to confuse that with quantity of time. And I had to realize quality of time really has to do with the meaning that we're putting into something. And so whoever you know, who's ever listening, for the people in your life, there's things that you can do that would make a big difference. And they might be really simple to you, they might even feel easy for you. And that is probably a representation that is within your natural frequency and just your being, and it'll probably feel really good to make a difference for people in those ways.

Cordelia Gaffar: 00:37:20

I love that you said that. I love that you took a moment to tune in as well. It's really been an absolute joy speaking with you today, James. And so I'm Cordelia ghafar. I just want to mention that because someone said before that Oh, which one are you? So? And for those of you listening to this episode, please share this with another heart. Share this with another soul. And thank you for listening to the ultimate coach podcast.